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9/13/06
Pastorela Pena
by Raul Garza, Omar L. Gallaga and Patricia Arredondo -- Slides/video by Pablo Joel Gallaga

Emcees/Hosts take the stage AFTER BEING INTRODUCED

OMAR

Welcome back, everybody. We want to thank everyone
tonight for helping us ensure that one of our
great Latino theater traditions - La Pastorela - continues right here in Austin. All right! Who can't be down with that?

Pause to get audience response

PATTI seems despondent

OMAR (CONT'D)
Hey, Patti, before we go any further, what do you say we bring up some of the real stars of "La Pastorela."

PATTI
( Without much enthusiasm)
Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Rupert Reyes and Marita de la Torre.

Pause for more applause.

Marita and Rupert come onstage. They are greeted warmly by Omar, but dissed by PATTI, who refuses to hug or acknowledge them. She rolls her eyes...

OMAR
(to audience) Two Austin legends, people. So, what are some of your favorite memories of your yearswith the production?

Marita seems humbled, and begins to speak,
"I guess I would have to say..."

PATTI cuts her off, leaping in front of her and
totally stealing her spotlight

PATTI
(emotionally)
Okay. Enough. I mean really...it's time somebody told these people the truth about La Pastorela. "Oh, the Pastorela is good for the community." "Hey, the Pastorela builds latino culture." How f-d up is that? I'm here to tell these people what Pastorela really does to young latino actors.

Omar stops and thinks about what PATTI is saying

OMAR
( Stage whisper)
What are you talking about, Patti?

PATTI
Okay, sure, it starts out fine and dandy - you're meeting new people, rehearsing, making props...

PATTI
But it's just too much! The bright lights, the paparazzi, the rave reviews in Arriba. It's too much fame, too fast! Pretty soon you become a whole different person. And then one day YOU JUST SNAP!

SOUND EFFECT OF TIME TRAVEL, A VOICEOVER SAYS "BACKSTAGE: PASTORELA 1996"

LIGHTS UP: BACKSTAGE SETTING - PATTI IS ADJUSTING HER DEVIL HORNS

OMAR ENTERS ENTHUSIASTICALLY

OMAR
Patti, you were great!

PATTI
Really?

OMAR
I'm serious, a performance like that is
sure to score the show a 4-jalapeno review in
" Arriba!" Maybe 4-and-a-half!

PATTI
(innocently)
Come on, you're just saying that.

Omar
You know - you should go to Hollywood. Be a star!

PATTI
Oh my God, I never thought about that.

RUPERT ENTERS,
INTERRUPTING THEIR LITTLE CELEBRATION

RUPERT
Hey, guys, good job. The audience really loved it.

PATTI
(Changing mood violently)
Shut up old man!

OMAR
( Egging PATTI on)
Yeah!

PATTI
I'm going to Hollywood, to get famous and stop do this two-bit community theater bullshit.
I'm going to be the next Erica Saenz!

RUPERT
Who?

PATTI
(almost hysterical)
I thought I told you to SHUT UP, old man! I'm gonna be rich and famous! and...famous!...

OMAR
And...really famous!

PATTI
Yeah! Let's go, Omar.

AS SHE LEAVES, PATTI THROWS HER DEVIL HORNS DOWN IN DISGUST...

RUPERT
(unfased)
Hey...don't forget about the cast party on Saturday.
We're making flautas...

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP BACK TO PRESENT DAY

MARITA, RUPERT, OMAR AND PATTI ONSTAGE

MARITA
What happened after you left for Hollywood?

PATTI
Ummm...well...I went out there with big dreams and chingos de ganas. But I found out, that sometimes,
ganas just ain't enough. Sure there were some good times, Like when I got my big break, beating out hundreds of hopefuls for a major studio blockbuster...

SLIDE OF A TACKY MOVIE POSTER --
"WEEKEND AT SELENA'S"

PATTI (CONT'D)
Pues it tanked. But I hung in there. I auditioned for
some theater projects and got cast in the
lead of an all-latino version of a hit Broadway musical

SLIDE OF DVD COVER - TITLE: Petra's Pan Dulce.

 

ONSTAGE; PATTI IS BURYING
HER FACE IN HER HANDS

RUPERT
I was going to sue the makers of that movie for copyright infringement, but then I thought, "Hey, that's
kind of a good idea." So I'm working on that for my next play. (To the audience) Come see "Petra's Pan Dulce"
next spring with full-frontal nudity!

PATTI
From there, it went from bad to worse. Until finally, I was forced to do something every actor dreads.

MARITA
Porn? I mean...more porn?

RUPERT
Degrading, stereotypical roles?

PATTI
No. Of course not. I had to sell my soul to the devil.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP ON SCENE FROM THE PAST - PATTI
NEGOTIATING WITH THE DEVIL

PATTI
You cannot be serious! I've made more than that giving blood.

EL DIABLO
That's my final offer. Take it or leave it.

PATTI
Oh, chingado. I guess I have no choice.

DEVIL HANDS PATTI A COUPLE OF BILLS
TOTALLY $12

PATTI (CONT'D)
(in a "you're so busted" tone)
Eh eh eh.

PATTI HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR MORE
AND THE DEVIL
DROPS TWO COINS INTO HER HAND.

El DIABLO
(reluctantly)
Oh, okay. Here you go. $12.50. Hey, I loved you in
"Petra's Pan Dulce." Nice molletes!

BLACKOUT.

LIGHTS UP CURRENT SCENE.

OMAR
Wow. You sold your soul to the devil. That...that sucks.

 

PATTI
Eh it's not so bad. The occasional head spinning, levitation.
I'm pretty much over it, but every now and then
I'll have a little "flare up"...

OMAR LOOKING CONCERNED

PATTI (CONT'D)
One minute I'm fine, and the next - spawn of Satan (giggles). Go figure. It just switches on sometimes
when you least expect it and...

VOICE OVER OF A BEAST ROARING AS
PATTI LAUNCHES AT OMAR
AND STARTS CHOKING HIM, SHE IS SHAKING
AND SCREAMING IN A HOARSE SATANIC VOICE; OMAR IS HELPLESS.

OMAR
Quick! Somebody get the Virgen Spray!

RG RUSHES ONSTAGE AND SPRAYS PATTI WITH "VIRGEN DE GUADALUPE SPRAY." PATTI IMMEDIATELY CALMS DOWN, AND RETURNS TO NORMAL. SHE IS A LITTLE CONFUSED AS TO WHY SHE HAS HER HANDS ON OMAR'S
NECK, BUT JUST KIND OF GOES WITH IT.

RUPERT AND MARITA CAN ONLY SHAKE THEIR HEADS IN PITY AS THEY WATCH THE SPECTACLE.

RUPERT
(To the audience)

Que triste, no?

MARITA
Oh, Patty, we feel so bad about all this. Who knew the Pastorela would lead you on the road to corruption.
Isn't there something we could do about it?

RUPERT
You mean a cast party? Cool, pues I'll just...

MARITA
No'mbre. I mean - buy her soul back.
Why do you think we have fundraisers like the ALTA pachanga? To raise money for emergencies like this!

OMAR
$12.50. I don't know -- shouldn't we use that money for something everyone can enjoy?
Like lapdances... or CANDY?

MARITA BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP
AN OLD COFFEE CANTHAT IS FILLED WITH CHANGE. IT IS LABELED, "FIND A PENNY NEED A PENNY"

SHE PROUDLY HANDS THE JAR TO OMAR.

MARITA
Here you go.

 

OMAR
Wow. That is really nice of you guys. Patti will
repay you as soon as she can.

MARITA AND RUPERT ROLL THEIR EYES

RUPERT
Yeah. When burros fly. She still owes me $50
from the first Pastorela.

MARITA AND RUPERT EXIT.

PATTI AND OMAR GATHER THEIR PROPS AND
GET READY TO EXIT.

OMAR
That was really nice of Rupert and Marita.

PATTI
Yeah. You know, Omar, I think I'm finally ready to
come back to La Pastorela.
And this year, YOU should do it too!

OMAR
(Excitedly with Patty at first, then shifting gears sarcastically)
Ha ha ha, No. Come on. I mean, I know you have a soft spot for "community theater" but I am a serious ac-TOR. I don't have time to waste on that.

PATTI

Yeah. I guess you're right.

PATTI AND OMAR EXIT
IMMEDIATE VIDEO UP OVER BLACK OUT
AS THEY EXIT STAGE, VIDEO UP- IT'S A MONTAGE OF OMAR, YEAR-AFTER-YEAR, AUDITIONING BADLY FOR LA PASTORELA AND GETTING REJECTED

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