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by Raul Garza, Omar L. Gallaga and Patricia Arredondo -- Slides/video
by Pablo Joel Gallaga
Emcees/Hosts take the stage AFTER BEING INTRODUCED
everybody. We want to thank everyone
tonight for helping us ensure that one of our
great Latino theater traditions - La Pastorela
- continues right here in Austin. All right! Who can't be down with
Pause to get audience response
Hey, Patti, before
we go any further, what do you say we bring up some of the real stars
of "La Pastorela.
( Without much enthusiasm)
Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Rupert Reyes
and Marita de la Torre.
Marita and Rupert come onstage. They
are greeted warmly by Omar, but dissed by PATTI, who refuses to hug
or acknowledge them. She rolls her eyes...
(to audience) Two Austin legends, people. So, what are some
of your favorite memories of your yearswith the production?
Marita seems humbled, and begins to
"I guess I would have to say..."
PATTI cuts her off, leaping in front
of her and
totally stealing her spotlight
I mean really...it's time somebody told these people the truth about
La Pastorela. "Oh, the Pastorela
is good for the community." "Hey, the Pastorela
builds latino culture." How f-d up
is that? I'm here to tell these people what Pastorela
really does to young latino actors.
Omar stops and thinks about what PATTI
( Stage whisper)
What are you
talking about, Patti?
Okay, sure, it
starts out fine and dandy - you're meeting new people, rehearsing,
Omar nodding in agreement
PATTI snaps violently into the next
But it's just
too much! The bright lights, the paparazzi, the rave reviews in Arriba.
It's too much fame, too fast! Pretty soon you become a whole different
person. And then one day YOU JUST SNAP!
SOUND EFFECT OF TIME TRAVEL, A VOICEOVER SAYS "BACKSTAGE:
LIGHTS UP: BACKSTAGE SETTING - PATTI IS ADJUSTING HER DEVIL
OMAR ENTERS ENTHUSIASTICALLY
Patti, you were
a performance like that is
sure to score the show a 4-jalapeno review in
" Arriba!" Maybe 4-and-a-half!
Come on, you're
just saying that.
You know - you
should go to Hollywood. Be a star!
Oh my God, I
never thought about that.
INTERRUPTING THEIR LITTLE CELEBRATION
Hey, guys, good
job. The audience really loved it.
(Changing mood violently)
Shut up old man!
( Egging PATTI on)
I'm going to
Hollywood, to get famous and stop do this two-bit community theater
I'm going to be the next Erica Saenz!
I thought I told
you to SHUT UP, old man! I'm gonna be rich
and famous! and...famous!...
Yeah! Let's go,
PATTI AND OMAR STRUT OFFSTAGE
AS SHE LEAVES, PATTI THROWS HER DEVIL HORNS DOWN IN DISGUST...
about the cast party on Saturday.
We're making flautas...
LIGHTS UP BACK TO PRESENT DAY
MARITA, RUPERT, OMAR AND PATTI ONSTAGE
after you left for Hollywood?
Ummm...well...I went out there with big dreams and chingos de ganas. But I found out,
ganas just ain't
Sure there were
some good times, Like when I got my big break, beating out hundreds
of hopefuls for a major studio blockbuster...
SLIDE OF A TACKY MOVIE POSTER --
"WEEKEND AT SELENA'S"
OMAR SHAKING HIS HEAD IN SHAME
Pues it tanked. But I hung in there. I auditioned for
some theater projects and got cast in the
lead of an all-latino version of a hit Broadway
up and the show closed after
one performance. Variety said the show
was so bad a curandera must have given it
Ojo. I was living
off of Ramen Noodles and chicarones when
I found an independent Latino
project that I thought would really tell my
SLIDE OF DVD COVER - TITLE: Petra's Pan Dulce.
ONSTAGE; PATTI IS BURYING
HER FACE IN HER HANDS
going to sue the makers of that movie for copyright infringement,
but then I thought, "Hey, that's
kind of a good idea." So I'm working on that for my next play.
(To the audience) Come see "Petra's Pan Dulce"
next spring with full-frontal nudity!
From there, it
went from bad to worse. Until finally, I was forced to do something
every actor dreads.
Porn? I mean...more
No. Of course not. I had to sell my soul to the devil.
LIGHTS UP ON SCENE FROM THE PAST - PATTI
NEGOTIATING WITH THE DEVIL
You cannot be
serious! I've made more than that giving blood.
That's my final
offer. Take it or leave it.
Oh, chingado. I guess I have no choice.
DEVIL HANDS PATTI A COUPLE OF BILLS
(in a "you're so busted" tone)
Eh eh eh.
PATTI HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR MORE
AND THE DEVIL
DROPS TWO COINS INTO HER HAND.
Oh, okay. Here
you go. $12.50. Hey, I loved you in
"Petra's Pan Dulce." Nice molletes!
Wow. You sold
your soul to the devil. That...that sucks.
Eh it's not so
bad. The occasional head spinning, levitation.
I'm pretty much
over it, but every now and then
I'll have a little "flare up"...
One minute I'm
fine, and the next - spawn of Satan
(giggles). Go figure. It just switches on sometimes
when you least expect it and...
VOICE OVER OF A BEAST ROARING AS
PATTI LAUNCHES AT OMAR
AND STARTS CHOKING HIM, SHE IS SHAKING
AND SCREAMING IN A HOARSE SATANIC VOICE; OMAR IS HELPLESS.
Somebody get the Virgen Spray!
RG RUSHES ONSTAGE AND SPRAYS PATTI
WITH "VIRGEN DE GUADALUPE SPRAY." PATTI IMMEDIATELY CALMS DOWN, AND
RETURNS TO NORMAL. SHE IS A LITTLE CONFUSED AS TO WHY SHE HAS HER
HANDS ON OMAR'S
NECK, BUT JUST KIND OF GOES WITH IT.
RUPERT AND MARITA CAN ONLY SHAKE THEIR HEADS IN PITY AS THEY
WATCH THE SPECTACLE.
Oh, Patty, we
feel so bad about all this. Who knew the Pastorela
would lead you on the road to corruption.
Isn't there something we could do about it?
You mean a cast
party? Cool, pues I'll just...
No'mbre. I mean - buy her soul back.
Why do you think we have fundraisers like the ALTA pachanga?
To raise money for emergencies like this!
$12.50. I don't know -- shouldn't we use that money for something
everyone can enjoy?
Like lapdances... or CANDY?
MARITA BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP
AN OLD COFFEE CANTHAT IS FILLED WITH CHANGE. IT IS LABELED, "FIND
A PENNY NEED A PENNY"
SHE PROUDLY HANDS THE JAR TO OMAR.
Wow. That is
really nice of you guys. Patti will
repay you as soon as she can.
MARITA AND RUPERT ROLL THEIR EYES
Yeah. When burros fly. She still owes me $50
from the first Pastorela.
PATTI AND OMAR GATHER THEIR PROPS AND
GET READY TO EXIT.
That was really
nice of Rupert and Marita.
Yeah. You know,
Omar, I think I'm finally ready to
come back to La Pastorela.
And this year, YOU should do it too!
with Patty at first, then shifting gears sarcastically)
Ha ha ha, No. Come on. I mean, I know
you have a soft spot for "community theater"
but I am a serious ac-TOR. I don't have time to waste on that.
Yeah. I guess
PATTI AND OMAR EXIT
IMMEDIATE VIDEO UP OVER BLACK OUT
AS THEY EXIT STAGE, VIDEO UP- IT'S A MONTAGE OF OMAR, YEAR-AFTER-YEAR,
AUDITIONING BADLY FOR LA PASTORELA AND GETTING REJECTED