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01/22/01 (continued)


Are you Arch or Not?
(A simple quiz to determine your Archness Level)

1. At a party, two women appear wearing the same dress. One of the women looks fantastic. The other... well, she's a little tore up. What do you say to the woman who doesn't look so great?

A -- I love your dress! You're always so stylish.
B -- (whispering) That other woman wearing that dress looks like a pig. You look great.
C -- It looks like that style is really in fashion this year. I don't think I could make it work, but you seem to be making the effort for all of us tonight.
D -- Darling, just because they've managed to clone a sheep doesn't mean you get to clone the dress that comes from its wool.


2. How cunning is your most cunning plan?

    A -- What's a "cunning?"
    B -- I totally get frequent flyer bonus miles when I carry out my cunning plan.
    C -- My plan is so cunning that the secret service has to run it through a metal detector when I travel to Washington D.C.
    D -- I have a plan so cunning that if you were to nominate it for a Golden Globe award, Elizabeth Taylor would come out of her stupor, read every bit of information available about the cunning plan without stumbling or appearing senile, and then declare it "Most Cunning Performance of the Year."

    3. What do you think of the old McDonald's Arch Deluxe?

    A -- Yummy. Miss it.
    B -- I know a place where you can still get them, but I'm not telling you where.
    C -- I don't.
    D -- I am very interested in the Arch Deluxe in that I have a large collection of viruses and chemical warfare agents at my disposal for illegal use, yet even I am not insane enough to try to handle one of those burgers with my bare hands.


4. What do you think of this quiz so far?

A -- Love it! I'm on my lunch break anyway and eating some yogurt at my desk.
B -- I don't see your point. Really. And I'm not even sure that you really know what "arch" means.
C -- It's like somebody's poking me in the eye with a knife.
D -- Your quiz is as delightful as a stab wound that's been rubbed around in lemon juice that was marinating the onspooled video of a director's cut videotape of Pauly Shore's film Bio-Dome.


5. As a child, I most wanted to be like...

A -- Linda Ellerbee
B -- Oscar the Grouch
C -- Dorothy Parker
D -- A person who could channel your vast reserves of ill-conceived attempts at humor and convert them into a useful source of energy, much like solar power.



For every A answer you gave, find a mallet, place it near your temple, pull back, and give it a firm whack. Not that this will do any more damage, but it will amuse those around you. Don't give yourself any points.

For every B answer, give yourself a point, though I doubt it will matter much when you're on your deathbed wishing you'd had more sex.

For each C answer, give yourself two points, secure in the knowledge that you may not be arch, but you're a bit of a sneaky, cheeky person.

For each D answer, you really should be ashamed. Honestly. What about the children? You are a rotten, cunning bastard. Give yourself three ill-gotten points.

Tally up your points. Tabulate as follows:

0 to 4 points: You are sweet-natured, polite, and not at all arch. People make fun of you behind your back without fear of retribution.

5 to 8 points: Someone in your family must have swatted you at an early age because there's a thin strip of snideness in you that probably gets you in trouble on occasion.

9 to 12 points: You probably don't stay in relationship for very long because nobody wants to put up with an asshole for long periods of time. When you die, the money you earned from a lifetime of cunning work may buy you an opulent funeral, but it won't buy many tears.

13 to 15 points: God, what a ripe son of a bitch you are. You are smart, ruthless, sarcastic and very full of yourself. You will be admired by some, hated by many and will probably claw your way to the top with some well-chosen schemes and machinations. I'd like to buy you a beer.


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