first off, guys, women aren't always interested in seeing you bust your
ass for them. Now this isn't what you grew up with. People are always
talkin' how you gotta be persistent, you gotta win your way into her
heart, you gotta sacrifice and be there for her and never let her love
Love, love me do
his eyes on you
they got laws for people like that. You don't wanna be a stalker. To
quote Spike Lee, "Don't believe the hype."
try this instead: Do as little as possible. Be aloof. If she's got a
birthday or there's a holiday like today, you don't have to forget it
entirely. But don't overwork it. How many times have you seen some poor-ass
schmoe get dumped because he didn't give a girl enough space? He's all
trying to be a good boyfriend, and his ass comes off like Dudley Do
Right. Don't be in the Canadian Mounties. Your ass has got to be on
the vice squad.
where do you find a girl? Man, you can talk to girls anywhere. Like
at the library, the health club, in the park.
Man, I'm just fuckin' with ya. Girls don't want to talk to you there.
Most of the girls that hang out in the park and the health club carry
around pepper spray. You don't want to fuck with that.
you need to hit the bars. There needs to be some liquor involved. Because
there's no way a girl's gonna accept your sorry ass first impression
without a .10 blood alcohol level first.
you see a girl you like, think about what she's wearing. Are her clothes
all tight with body parts getting ready to fall out? That's the one.
Your chances for success are inversely proportionate to the amount and
looseness of her clothes. If her clothes are day-glo colors and her
earings are bigger than her hands, you've just doubled your chances.
up to her. If she's dancing, bob your head a little like you've been
dancing all night and you're just bringing it down a level. Say something
witty, but self deprecating, like, "Damn, girl, you're fine!"
Or "I just want to buy you drinks 'till you about to throw up."
of those, or a combination of the two will work. Just don't give up.
It's a small bar. She probably ain't leaving any time soon, and she's
not getting any soberer.
the words of Montell Jordan, "This is how we do it..."
you've got her responding to you, don't talk too much. Just keep moving
in on her and talking about how you like her eyes and her clothes and
how all the other girls you see are skank nasty and she's the only girl
with some elegance. Girls like that word. "Elegance." Practice
it. Use it. "Girl, you got some ELEGANCE." Girls are
like butter and that word is like a hot skillet.
this time, she should be all hot and moist. Time to take her back to
your place. This is where the exit ramp of Craig's advice unloads you
off of traffic. If you don't know what to do here, I'm not sayin'. Just
go with the flow, baby. Let human instincts take over.
now you got a girl. She may not want to be around your punk ass after
that first night. In fact, she might wake up screaming and crying because
she finally got a good look at you in the light of day. Don't panic.
This is common.
if she sticks around and cooks a meal or two... Damn. that's a real
woman. Hang on to that shit.
you gotta deal with having her girl shit all over your apartment and
taking you to see fucking Richard Gere movies. Look, is she giving you
a slice? Were you getting any action before this girl took pity
on you? Okay, that's what I thought. Stop complaining. Like Bruce Hornsby
said, man, "That's just the way it is."
the relationship progresses, don't be nice to your girl's friends. Cuz
next thing you know, she's gonna be all suspicious, thinking you're
hittin' on them or having sex with them and whatnot. And when you do
get caught having sex with one of them, she's gonna act like she knew
what was going on all the time. Don't give her the chance. If her friend
walks into the room when you're watching TV, just say something like,
"Oh, hey, Janet. I see your ass is startin' to be a destination
for Cuban refugees that fell off the boat." Your girl will get
mad, but it'll make her feel more secure about your relationship.
years later, you might get married. You probably already have some kids
all running around, snot everywhere. It's okay, man. Everybody's life
thing is, you gotta keep that shit romantic. Spend a little money on
your woman. Make her feel appreciated.
on Valentine's Day when she's been cleaning diapers all day and her
hair looks all ratty and nappy from being in the kitchen making soup
for all those sick-ass kids, and you come home from work all tired from
working some shit job to support all these leeches in your house. Do
something nice for your girl.
a pizza. You can even cut it up into a heart shape after it gets there.
Eat it by candlight, shit, I don't care. That's never gonna happen
Craig, motherfucker. I'm single, and I'm proud of that shit. Don't forget
it. Girls love my ass.
be alone today, but it's by choice.
you see some guy at home, crying, all lonely cuz he had to buy himself
a heart-shaped box of cherry cordials, don't be feelin' sorry for him.
Because that's not Craig!
Shaggy would say, "Wasn't me."
shit... I gotta go.
Happy fucking Valentine's Day.