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02/16/01 (Page Two)
"The 10 Feces," lessons for living a life that doesn't resemble that of a chimp...


I don't remember how the joke got started exactly, but there was a vending machine broken where I work. It would either dispense a cup with no liquid, liquid with no cup, ice with no liquid or cup, soda with no carbonation or carbonation without syrup. This machine was like an uncooperative attendant at an airline counter; no way were you ever going to get your way with this machine. I got so tired of losing money to this befucked machine, I told Andy I was going to post a petition of redress to whoever was collecting the vast funds I was losing to this slot machine of Kafka.

Andy joked that I was gonna be the Martin Luther (the Lutheran, not King Jr.), posting my 25 Theses. Only she called it the "25 Feces." That cracked me up, not occurring to me that she might be implying that I'm full of shit. No matter.

Here now, though, I present The 10 Feces, rules for not being a total lout in the bathroom. Follow them. Post them in a stall. Make the world a better place.

  1. Flush. Really. Just do it. Don't be a Morlock.

  2. "Please check your flush." I can't stress this one enough. I think this should be a political party. We all are the victim of floaters now and then. Don't make someone else have to see it.

  3. In a urinal-trough environment, don't cross the streams! That way lies madness.

  4. There should probably be a rule here about handling/disposing of tampons and/or sanitary napkins (a phrase I've never understood: What napkins aren't sanitary?). I have no idea what this rule is and I'm afraid to ask anybody. Ladies: You're smarter than me. Just fill in the blank here.

  5. Wash your filthy damned hands. I worked with an intern who kept a list of who did and didn't wash their hands in the ladies' bathroom. Then she'd tell the rest of us so we'd know who to avoid shaking hands with. Somebody you work with is keeping a list like that. Don't get on that list.

  6. Skip a urinal. If there are three or more urinals in the bathroom, and two of the three aren't being used, don't choose the one right next to me. It's not homophobia, I just don't want to see your peeing schlong and I really don't want you to see mine. I don't care if there are little wooden barriers between the urinals. You're still in my bubble. Scoot over. If I'm into seeing people pee, I'll just rent a video.

  7. Don't talk to me. This should be a given, but it still happens. Recently, a guy not only violated the "skip a urinal" rule (Now known at The Sixth Feces), but he tried to start a conversation at the urinals. Look, Rudy, I didn't watch the game last night, and even if I had, I still wouldn't want to rehash the highlights mid-stream with my hand down there. If I'm in a stall, same deal. If you're in a stall, don't make me paralyzed with discomfort by chatting with me through the door. Most of what you say will come out as grunts anyway.

  8. Don't loiter. If I'm stallin' it, I prefer to be alone. It's just a comfort thing. A lot of times I sit in the stall, just waiting for the bathroom to clear out. So beat it, already. Get in, get out. Get on with your life. If you must hang around like it's your own personal martini lounge, at least turn on the hand blower or turn on the faucet so I have some background noise to work with.

  9. Knock before you enter. Sometimes the locks just don't work. So even if a stall or bathroom door looks clear, knock. You're not a cop out avenging his dead partner. This isn't a horror movie. You don't need to bust in like that.

  10. Don't smear feces on the bathroom wall. This sounds like common sense, but when I worked at a Whataburger in Oklahoma for a year and a half (I'll tell that story some other time), this actually happened for several weeks at our restaurant. Because it was in the ladies bathroom (ha, bet you didn't see that detail coming, huh?), I was exempt from having to clean it. I think one of the managers cleaned up, which is why I resisted going into management until just recently.

Given the vast number of things that could go wrong with bodily functions, let's not chance it by making things any more unpleasant for those around us. I thank you for not being boorish.



And now it's time to let the mystical force of Charo guide us through this next bit, which I call...

Terribly Happy's Charo-style Self Promotion Section!

If you let her, Charo can look right into your soul.

Anyway, I'm actually really excited about this: I worked several months (since around last summer, man!) on a story about adult Web site owners in Austin. The story is running today in Technopolis. You can read it here. Bonus: I'm always wishing that our Web site had more photos and graphics, so they basically shut me up by letting me design the online version of the story myself. I'll probably be doing this for future Technopolis cover stories (even the ones I don't write). It's more work for me, but it's something I really like doing, so no biggie. I'm pretty proud of the way it turned out. Please check it out. I beg of you. I'll pay you. I don't care. Just make them think it's getting a ton of hits and that what they're paying me is worth a damn.

The Latino Comedy Project is currently writing skits and starting to film some segments for our big April/May show. Our next show will have some pre-filmed segments, something we've never done before. It's scary, but I think we're all eager to learn. So far, I'm written five or six skits for our show, maybe four or so which are usable. One of them is a mock law firm commercial that I'm hoping we'll film pretty soon. I'll put up information for show dates and maybe some bits about our rehearsals when those start up. I'm having a blast at our Monday night writing meetings.

I'm back in the Third Watch saddle. The next recap should be up sometime this weekend.

That's it. I'm pretty damned pooped. Oh, I got some funny e-mails asking if Craig from last time is real. Of course he's real! My goodness! What kind of person do you think I am? Craig was pretty pissed off, though, that I ran all that he wrote unedited. He thinks it's going to affect the number of women who will be willing to Instant Message him and then meet him in real life for some heavy offline sex. Craig: The ladies still love you. It's the men who get all crazy and just don't understand. You're still my homie. We may differ on some key points, but on one thing we can always agree: We'll both do it all for the nookie.

Peace out, Craig.


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