That's the good news.
The bad news is that life just
isn't as enjoyable as it was back then. Even simple things. Remember
hamburgers? You can only get them at liquor stores now, and they
come with these big huge warning labels.
Organic Cheetos. Organic Slim Jims.
It really started to get out of
hand when a certain fast food chain became Tacorganic Bell.
I used to love fatty foods. Now,
people look at you as if you just dry humped their favorite aunt
when you eat a burger in public.
And remember how you used to bitch
about how it was the year 2001 and there were still no flying cars?
Well, we've got flying cars now, smart guy. But now you can't see
the sky because of all the traffic and everything smells like crotch
from all the spent jet fuel.
Nothing's funny anymore either
since they passed those ethnic joke laws. Here's a little piece
of advice: When the Senate Judiciary Committee calls you in to testify
against the rest of the Latino Comedy Project, don't do it.
That condo in Jamaica they'll offer you has termites and they'll
only cover your rent for two months.
But, look, it's not all bad, guy.
I mean, I would have jumped off a flying Hyundai a long time ago
if it was so terrible.
They cloned Kevin Spacey and now
he's in every movie.
They figured out a way to make
crack safe and legal. People now use it as a nasal decongestant.
Researchers in conjunction with
the adult entertainment industry have created artificial vaginas
that are marvels of modern science.
They gave cat owners their own
continent so they don't have to bother the rest of us.
George W. couldn't finish his term.
We still have toilet paper, but
the system we use now is much less prone to chafing.
Politics are way more fun since
they moved the Capitol to Las Vegas.
We beat cancer! But now we have
a disease that's much worse, but only if you eat hamburgers.
The sixth season of The Sopranos
will be starting any day now!
So buck up, kiddo. It's really
not a bad road ahead. Just watch your feet on that path, don't stress
out and if you could do me a favor and not get that tattoo in 2006,
I'd really appreciate it.