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8/29/01 (continued)
Ways to live out your sick little fantasies...


A date should appear, at first fuzzy glance, to be a casual, fun experience. By no means should the person you're asking out feel trapped or tortured by partaking in the date.

So put those knives away.

Asking someone on a date can be a tough experience. Men have been doing it for thousands of years and have gotten pretty used to rejection. Women, on the other hand, have only this century had the socially accepted wherewithal to ask men out and the pressure to put themselves on the line can be crushing.

Very important is the approach and gauging reaction (Figure 1-A):


If you say...
And they respond with...
"Hi, I'm..."
Pepper spray
Wash out your eyes
"Would you like to get some coffee?"
A restraining order
Go stalk one of your exes.
"What's your name?"
"Your momma."
Walk away. Unless it actually is your momma.
"Do you happen to have the time?"
A comment pointing out that you're wearing a watch
Just stand there. Say nothing.
"Would you like to see (name of movie)?"
A lengthy discussion on how Bed of Roses is their favorite movie.
Back away slowly.
"You look very familiar..."
Splashing a drink in your face, all Dynasty style.
Do nothing. You will never recover from this.
"If I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you..."
A knee in the groin.
Scream. It's okay.
"Want to go to the zoo?"
Thrown feces.
You might already be at the zoo.
An unholy scream of terror.
Welcome to the wonderful world of dating!


The most socially accepted way of asking someone on a date these days is to ask the person out for coffee. Never mind if they hate coffee and would sooner have it poured on their body than drink it: Coffee is code for dating/sex. You know, hot liquid, stirring spoons, sugar, grinded beans, steamed milk. It's all very senual, we assure you. In fact, the reason Starbuck's is so popular is because it started up as a bath house orgy.

A first date can also be an agreement to meet at a party or bar. Alcohol, society has found, can be a way for two people with nothing in common to find reasons to sleep together, sometimes on the first date. By meeting at a bar or beer party, the potential daters are agreeing to forego foreplay and get straight to drunken bra-strap fumbling.

The first date can also be an outing to a place where dressing up is not required. For instance, a trip to the zoo or a short hiking trip can be excrutiatingly dull. But people (mostly those who fall into the Wuss Personality Type) seem to do okay by being all outdoorsy on first dates. Fuck those people and their sandals.

Once you've found someone willing to go out with your sorry ass (and with so many singles in the world, the law of averages is on your side), and once you've decided where to go, it's time to start planning your date.

Be obsessive. Worry about every little detail, from a tiny wrinkle in one of your socks to the temperature and relative humidity outside where you'll spend about 30 seconds of your date.Call your date beforehand several times to confirm the time and location. Leave several messages on their voice mail the day of the date telling them how much you're looking forward to the date and how long it's been since you last went on a date and how you think this could be the start of something really special. Make sure you use the word "date" a lot, making it clear that your intent is severely romantic.

When the big day arrives, if your date hasn't begun blocking your calls, you're ready for some magic!

Be casual on the date. Boast about how much money you make and how all your friends are jealous of the easy, parent-funded lifestyle you lead. Be rude to waiters or waitresses at any opportunity. This shows your date that you are a quality person who demands nothing less than perfection. While you're on the subject, point out a tiny flaw in your date's appearance or personality. They'll be impressed by how perceptive and intuitive you are, having only known them a short time.

Go to the bathroom several times during the date for at least 20 minutes at a time. This creates a sense of mystery about you and leaves your date feeling a sense of anticipation for your return.

Immediately begin talking about marriage, children, religion and any racial or gender prejudices you may have: This gets all your cards on the table quickly, practically guaranteeing you'll come across as appealing and sexually attractive early on.

Make a sexual move early in the date ("copping a feel" for men or "cupping some teste" for women). This lets your date know you find them attractive and appreciate their effort to look good on the date.

Don't worry about listening to everything your date says. If you end up having a relationship with them, you'll have plenty of time to learn where they work or what their middle name is.

Make the date last as long as possible by putting the two of you in a situation where there is no ready way to leave: Such as a long boat trip or a four-hour opera performance. This will make you appear committed to the date.

At the end of the date, make sure to offer a chaste, friendly kiss (preferably on the cheek) with the promise of a phone call or second date if you feel the date went well. Then follow with, "So, um, wanna fuck?" Your date will appreciate your candor.

Follow these guidelines and you'll be well on your way to what Western science calls a "Relationship." We'll look at this wily beast on the next Guide to Love. In the meantime, happy fucking!


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Gene had no problem being a one-armed bowler. He just wished it'd been the other arm.

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