11/26/01
(continued)
Being
Master V...
But apparently everyone did know. Everyone but Allison. As I boarded my plane the flight attendant said, "I hope Chris doesn't fuck everything up."
Then the lay-over got screwed and there was bad weather in Texas and suddenly my flight was going to be an hour late. I had no way of contacting anyone to tell them that because Anna Beth was in the air and Chris still hasn't gotten with the millennium and purchased a cell phone. I was stuck in Phoenix. I called my parents. My dad said, "Atlanta? Why are you going to Atlanta?"
I explained. His reply: "Well… I'm sure your friends are really nice and all but… Atlanta's full of assholes. No, really. Not a nice person in there. They're rude and mean and they'll slice you up in a second. I had to go there on business and they are really just the scum of the earth. Oh, horrible. Nobody at my job ever wanted to travel to Atlanta because it's full of assholes. Just horrible people. But have fun."
I'm sure my father will be getting the key to the city any day now.
The last thing I wrote in my journal before my plane departed for Atlanta was, "I'm sure AB and Allison are totally drunk by now and Chris has spilled everything and they're coming up with a story to make me think the surprise still worked. Shut up, bitches! I'm on my way! Just keep quiet for another three hours!"
The Atlanta airport is enormous. We were the last plane to land in the state of Georgia. They also decided to make us land at the farthest point in the airport. I got on a train and watched the minutes tick away. I felt horrible that it was after one in the morning at this point, knowing that Chris and Allison had work in a few hours, knowing that by now Allison knows everything and they probably hate me for making them go through so much trouble for me.
Then the train stopped. The loudspeaker told us that the train wasn't going any further and we all had to get off. The doors opened and a sign stood in front of us: "STAY ON THE TRAIN FOR BAGGAGE CLAIM." The train told us to go. The sign told us to stay. We all stood still for a couple of minutes. Red lights flashed above our heads. It was a trap! A trick! I couldn't find a rip in the space/time continuum, so we decided to start walking towards baggage claim.
Because I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to be totally alone in any situation, I made friends with the older businessman standing next to me. I quickly told him the situation, and he ushered me onto an elevator. Once alone in an elevator with him I thought, "This is where he kills me." He said, "That way if they're waiting at the escalators, they won't see you." He was only trying to help, and I had him pegged as a murderer. I'm horrible.
I got off the elevator and had the man take me to the Atrium, which was where we were supposed to meet. The atrium was filled with piles of people asleep, waiting for my plane to show up. I wandered from pile to pile, quietly trying to find my group of friends. Nothing. Nobody I knew. The businessman asked if I was going to be okay if my friends weren't there anymore. I asked if there was a bar in the airport. He said all of them would be closed. He pointed to a place where some people wait. He said if the train had gone all the way, I would have gotten off over there.
I was wearing my hat pulled low over my head. In Los Angeles this means "Don't Bother The Celebrity." In Atlanta this means, "That Girl Is Obviously Going To Blow Up the Plane." I got frisked and patted down in airport security, and had to take my shoes off and run them through the X-ray machine. My new thing is to pretend that I am a spy as they do this, and realize that I've been foiled yet again by American Justice. Otherwise I get all creeped out wondering if someone has planted something on me when I was ordering an Egg McMuffin.
In any event, the hat worked, and I wheeled my suitcase away from the crowd, lasering in on Anna Beth waiting near the train exit. She saw me at the same time and we did this total Spy Nod that was so cool but nobody saw but us. We both walked away from where Chris and Allison were. I was afraid to lift my head. AB told me that Al was still in total confusion.
I walked over to the customer service area where they had been camped out. Chris had his hands all over Al's face and she was trying to wiggle out of his grasp. She was yanking on his hands shouting, "What is it? Just let me see! God!"
Chris finally let her go and she looked up at me. "So, what are we all waiting for?" I asked.
I don't think she knew who I was for about ten seconds. She blinked, and her head cocked just a bit and she got to her knees and whispered, "What are you doing here?" She only needs to be on her knees to get a full hug from short me, so we hugged as AB and Chris high-fived behind us. She kept staring at me as we walked back to the car, still trying to put together all of the deceivery and lyishousness that had gone on around her.
The heist was discussed for the next two hours. I cannot believe Chris almost blew it with that Diet Coke thing.
Soon I realized that Allison had been looking forward to Master V's visit. It had something to do with a guitar and playing songs and all four of them celebrating the bluegrass inside of them. I tried plucking at Allison's guitar and singing a song about being Vince, but I could tell it wasn't the same. Master V said it was like waiting on Michael Jordan and getting Spud Webb walking off the plane instead. He's just jealous that I'm a bustier Master V than he is.
But can Vince make Allison almost pee in a Neiman Marcus? Didn't think so. I'm a winner!
Next time you get to go, Master V. But when they expect me walking off that plane and they get you instead? I don't think you can handle it.
Also, my new recap of Smallville is up. The woman who wrote this last episode was one of the two writers from the show who had sent an e-mail to say she liked the recaps. Well, I didn't notice it was her episode until I was well into recapping it, but that's OK because it was actually the best one I've seen since the premiere.
I e-mailed her to tell her the recap of her episode was up, and she told me really nice things about how the writers on the show read the recaps and how there was some talk about them keeping a copy of a recap on the writer's table and of saying they'd do very naughty things to me to earn a good grade on MightyBigTV. It was humbling and really sweet to hear.
Move update
Boxes packed: Good God, a whole bunch
Magazines sorted: About 25 billion
Walls painted back to original color: Two
Days left until big move: Five
Weirdest item I've packed so far: An empty shoe box into a bigger cardboard box
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Hey, look at this! Stuff to buy! Haaawwwt-Damn!
Clip
Art Corner
"Someday, you'll tell your own kids about the days when everything was black and white, except for the people, who were pastel colorized!"