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12/08/00 (continued)
Responses about the LASIK thing...

I mentioned Angi last time as the person who was recommending LASIK to me. This is what she had to say:

Burning chicken feathers. That is what it really smells like. Next time you find some feathers set them on fire. I say do it. I was as blind as you (maybe) but I was pretty damn blind. I LOVE my results. With a prescription like ours the results may not be perfect. But think about it... being able to pass your DPS vision screen (you only need 20/40) without glasses. I haven't been more excited about having to stand in line at the DPS office since I was 16.

I have a light prescription (which corrects my vision to 20/15 in both eyes) for when my eyes get tired, and for night driving. I am 20/20 & 20/25 at my sixmonths postop check. That was highly impressive for me. You have to go into the surgery thinking about making your site BETTER, not PERFECT. More than likely you will end up with near perfect. Lower your exectations to something like " I want to find the toilet flusher when I get up to pee during the night (or just find the toilet bowl)" as opposed to "I want to read the 'Made in Korea' printed at the bottom of the Snellen Eye chart (the "E" chart).

It was the best money I have ever spent. I have people ask me why I wear glasses sometimes, and I respond that I am letting my $3,500 eyes rest. I think my self esteem has gotten better since the surgery (or maybe that is the happy pill I take...) Anyway, it was a life altering experience. My mom had to almost pull over to let me almost puke on the way to the office the morning of the procedure. It is a big step letting someone make a flap in your cornea, but it heals very quickly. I couldn't wear makeup for a week and looked like pale shit, so since you don't wear mascara (or do you?) No one will notice that you had surgery except that your eyes will not be cherry red all the time.

My current side effects from LASIK include: dryness when I wake up or have tired eyes, and vision fluctuations when I am tired or at night from on coming headlights. When I get a good night's sleep I am fine, when the allergies act up, I use Patenol drops, and genteel moisturizing gel. Occasional eye drops and casual I-don't-really-need-them-glasses is much better than approaching the need for a seeing-eye dog. You will love it!



My friend Jeremy, whom I've known since I lived in Germany, reminded me of something I'd completely forgotten:

Now about your eyes.

Do you remember about ten years ago when we were playing flag football in Germany and you were sideswiped? Well, let me expound upon that: you were creamed. If I remember right it was by a kid with the last name Punke. Did you know he had mono at the age of 12, what a stud.

At any rate after you recovered from the initial blow you stumbled around in a daze complaining about being blind... what a whiner. I mean being blind, geeze, at least you could stumble around aimlessly with arms stretched out, some people have you carts with a weight in each hand to wander aimlessly around, I think they live in Washington D.C., I saw a documentary about it one time called "When Good Freaks Go Bad" or something and I believe Eddie Murphy played one in "Switching Places," where the hell am I? I digress or digest... I just ate.

Anyhow after wailing around for a short stint your vision came back, sort of. Well lets just say half of it came back. The other half of your vision was some where on this cold as wet tundra of a football field. Damn Green Bay fans were watching us with their clothes on. So we decided to halt the football game (which was less than a touch down in margin, mind you) to look for you glass eye. Let me just say hard contact lenses scare me, they are freaky... like Rob Zombie and Maryln Manson freaky. So the entire class is down on our hands and knees... frozen hands and frozen knees looking for this goddamn miracle of a piece of Glass so that my friend can have his bloody vision back... such a whiner.

We search, yard by yard, foot by foot, inch by inch, nanometer by nanometer only to discover that low and behold there was no magic piece of glass that conforms to ones eye any where to be found. Exhausted, wet and cold we ventured back to the locker rooms. I looked back over my shoulder and there you were still looking for this magic piece of glass. I turned around and went back to help. "My Dad's going to kill me."

Well at least you have half of your vision, I thought. I stayed and helped, but inevitably we had to retire form our endeavors and prepare for our next class. In the locker room we were all showering and changing when all of the sudden a shout of glee came forth "I found it! I found it!" I looked over and there you were squinting looking down at the floor then at the ceiling, then at the floor then at the ceiling. Was this some sort of "Glee Dance" you were doing? And then there it was, the magic piece of glass off to one side of you eye ball! Unfortunately nobody could share in your happiness seeing how our hands and knees were still aching from the cold.

Get the Damn Surgery.


P.S. You guys won the game.

Okay, none of that is true. Especially not the part about being at all socially awkward or having any embarassing moments in school. The parts about my being heavily involved in sports and having lots of friends willing to crawl on their hands and knees to restore my vision is probably true.

Enough of this. Click here to go back to the Krispy Kreme story.



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