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03/15/01 (continued)

The Terribly Happy Sleep Number™ Quiz

Your guide to not being a total loser in bed
(but not necessarily with sex)


Question 1:

You find yourself woken up by a noise in the middle of the night. What in Heaven's name could have cause your bulbous head to have been awakened from sweet sleep?

A. The gentle breeze of a gnat's wing as it passed by across the room. (0 points)

B. The cat lying on your stomach, pondering ways in which to murder you. (3 points)

C. Your lover's big ass knocking you off the bed. (7 points)

D. Sexual climax while having sex you were too asleep to notice you were having. (Your own climax.) (10 points)


This couple has been asleep for 12 days. They will soon be dead.

Question 2:

What do you dream about most often?

A. The silent smiles of children; the emptiness of space. (1 point)

B. Flying. Or the rolling ocean with a soundtrack by Enya. (4 points)

C. Getting beat up. (8 points)

D. Pantera (10 points)


Question 3:

My mattress feels like...

A. The breath of a baby if it were filtered by cotton and daubed in purified water. (0 points)

B. A mattress, man. It's a damned mattress, okay? (3 points)

C. Like a lumpy, malfomed, uncomfortable mess. Basically, it's like sleeping on Rosie O' Donnell. (8 points)

D. Mattress? (10 points)


Question 4:

Describe your sleep arrangments.

A. My, myself and I. It's a sleep fantasy threesome. (1 point)

B. I sleep with a person who seems to have many more angles at night than during the day. (4 points)

C. Twin-sized bed. King-sized couple. (7 points)

D. I'm Snoop Dogg and I sleep with six ho's, none of whom ever manage to wake me up with all their rolling around in the night on my pimp spread. Jeah. (10 points)


Question 5:

What do you wear to bed?

A. Silk boxers and a comfy set of cotton pajamas that feel like they were woven from clouds. (2 points)

B. My shame. (5 points)

C. A business suit because if I ever get kidnapped in the middle of the night, I want to be prepared way in advance for the trial that will inevitably put those bastards away. (7 points)

D. Don't have a bed. Don't own clothes. (9 points)


Question 6:

If you thought it would help you achieve a more desirable Sleep Number™, would you allow a Sleep Number™ Test Administator to get into bed with you, strictly for research purposes, of course?

A. Yes. (1 point)

B. Most certainly. (3 points)

C. I mean, sure, why not? (7 points)

D. Anything for a good night's sleep! (9 points)


Question 7:

Describe any recurring nightmares you may have had.

A. I dreamed that my latte wasn't sweet enough and I had to put some sugar into it and then I put too much sugar and it tasted too sweet and then I had to ask them to make me another one, which they did, but it was still a horrible ordeal that I never want to dream about again. (2 points)

B. Bea Arthur. Enema kit. I think you know where I'm goin' with this. (5 points)

C. I was having lunch with Satan. And Satan is all like, "Well, if you're unhappy, then why don't you just quit your job?" And I said, "Well, exactly. I guess I'm just afraid." And then there was an awkward silence, and Satan finally said, "You really need to just follow your dreams. You know that as well as I do." He paid for lunch and then we hugged and he had places to go so we parted ways. Do you think that means anything? (6 points)

D. I can't tell the difference between my nightmares and being awake. (10 points)


Question 8:

Do you you like it soft or firm?

A. What, you mean the mattress? (1 point)

B. Heh heh... Uhhh... (4 points)

C. Soft and then very, very firm for a while and then suddenly soft again until I fall asleep. (7 points)

D. I don't care. Sleep is just a temporary multi-hour death leading to the eventual Big Sleep. (9 points)


Question 9:

What kinds of anxieties keep you from falling asleep?

A. The fear that people may think I'm shallow and stupid. But then I think about Princess Di and everything seems all better. (2 point)

B. Not knowing my Sleep Number™. (4 points)

C. "If I should die before I wake..." (7 points)

D. Typically, I allow anxiety to creep into my dreams so that when I awake, I am even more angry and terrifying than when I went to bed. (9 points)


Question 10:

If a bug crawled up your ass, causing you to lose sleep, what kind of bug would it be?

A. A lovely and charming ladybug. (1 point)

B. A giant, festering cockroach. (4 points)

C. An oversized early Cold War-era bug complete with full-sized tape recorder. (8 points)

D. An actual exterminator, in an actual extermination van coming over to exterminate an infestation of bugs somewhere else in the actual ass. (10 points)




Congratulations! You are about to find out your Sleep Number™, which will help you to secure many nights of restful slumber. Add up the numbers for each answer you gave and use the corresponding number to find out where you fall:


Less than 20 points:

Although you are a light sleeper and you may find yourself taken out of your lovely dreamland by the licking of your trusty dog's tongue once every few months, your expensive mattress, designer sheets and sickening lack of human character should make for many restful nights. What worries you have about your Sleep Number™ should be filed in the back of your mind behind the card reading, "Is tipping 25 percent just excessive?"


21 to 40 points:

You sometimes have trouble sleeping, but overall, you're just like everybody else. Some coffee, maybe a hit of ecstasy, and you'll be just fine. A new mattress to correspond with your newfound Sleep Number™ may help, but since we like your score better than any of the rest, we'll just go ahead and tell you that it's just bullshit anyway, so don't even listen to us.


41 to 60 points

You are in the low range of what our science calls, "Deep Sleepers." Given the chance, you'll sleep until noon on the weekend because even as a child you never gave a damn about Saturday morning cartoons. A mattress that can support your hulking dead-tired self and which has a bit of firmness to it would probably suit you best. Since this quiz has not much to do with sex, we have no idea why this is, but your category of sleeper seems to really be into sex toys. Don't look at us. We're as surprised as you.


61 to 80 points

For you, sleep is an escape, a means of getting away from the world. You allow yourself to fall into an almost coma-like state when you sleep, in essence telling the world to fuck off while your subconscious feeds you a steady stream of dream-crack. This may be because of depression, dysfunction or plain old laziness. You snore a lot, and people hate you for it.


81 points and above

You are gullible, a little bit psychotic and you probably wouldn't know a good night's sleep if it stuffed you in a box spring and cut you into bacon strips. You are the ideal Sleep Number™ customer and we will be contacting you soon to sell you a very expensive mattress. Thank you for your time.


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