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Terribly Happy Sleep Number Quiz
guide to not being a total loser in bed
(but not necessarily with sex)
find yourself woken up by a noise in the middle of the night. What
in Heaven's name could have cause your bulbous head to have been awakened
from sweet sleep?
gentle breeze of a gnat's wing as it passed by across the room. (0
cat lying on your stomach, pondering ways in which to murder you.
lover's big ass knocking you off the bed. (7 points)
climax while having sex you were too asleep to notice you were having.
(Your own climax.) (10 points)
This couple has been asleep for 12 days.
They will soon be dead.
do you dream about most often?
The silent smiles of children; the emptiness of space. (1 point)
Flying. Or the rolling ocean with a soundtrack by Enya. (4 points)
Getting beat up. (8 points)
mattress feels like...
The breath of a baby if it were filtered by cotton and daubed
water. (0 points)
A mattress, man. It's a damned mattress, okay? (3 points)
Like a lumpy, malfomed, uncomfortable mess. Basically, it's like
sleeping on Rosie O' Donnell. (8 points)
your sleep arrangments.
My, myself and I. It's a sleep fantasy threesome. (1 point)
I sleep with a person who seems to have many more angles at night
than during the day. (4 points)
Twin-sized bed. King-sized couple. (7 points)
I'm Snoop Dogg and I sleep with six ho's, none of whom ever manage
to wake me up with all their rolling around in the night on my
pimp spread. Jeah. (10 points)
do you wear to bed?
Silk boxers and a comfy set of cotton pajamas that feel like they
were woven from clouds. (2 points)
My shame. (5 points)
A business suit because if I ever get kidnapped in the middle
of the night, I want to be prepared way in advance for the trial
that will inevitably put those bastards away. (7 points)
Don't have a bed. Don't own clothes. (9 points)
you thought it would help you achieve a more desirable Sleep
Number, would you allow a Sleep Number Test Administator
to get into bed with you, strictly for research purposes,
Yes. (1 point)
Most certainly. (3 points)
I mean, sure, why not? (7 points)
Anything for a good night's sleep! (9 points)
any recurring nightmares you may have had.
I dreamed that my latte wasn't sweet enough and I had
to put some sugar into it and then I put too much sugar
and it tasted too sweet and then I had to ask them to
make me another one, which they did, but it was still
a horrible ordeal that I never want to dream about again.
Bea Arthur. Enema kit. I think you know where I'm goin'
with this. (5 points)
I was having lunch with Satan. And Satan is all like,
"Well, if you're unhappy, then why don't you just
quit your job?" And I said, "Well, exactly.
I guess I'm just afraid." And then there was an awkward
silence, and Satan finally said, "You really need
to just follow your dreams. You know that as well as I
do." He paid for lunch and then we hugged and he
had places to go so we parted ways. Do you think that
means anything? (6 points)
I can't tell the difference between my nightmares and
being awake. (10 points)
you you like it soft or firm?
What, you mean the mattress? (1 point)
Heh heh... Uhhh... (4 points)
Soft and then very, very firm for a while and then suddenly
soft again until I fall asleep. (7 points)
I don't care. Sleep is just a temporary multi-hour death
leading to the eventual Big Sleep. (9 points)
kinds of anxieties keep you from falling asleep?
The fear that people may think I'm shallow and
stupid. But then I think about Princess Di and
everything seems all better. (2 point)
Not knowing my Sleep Number. (4 points)
"If I should die before I wake..."
Typically, I allow anxiety to creep into my
dreams so that when I awake, I am even more
angry and terrifying than when I went to bed.
a bug crawled up your ass, causing
you to lose sleep, what kind of bug
would it be?
A lovely and charming ladybug. (1
A giant, festering cockroach. (4 points)
An oversized early Cold War-era bug
complete with full-sized tape recorder.
An actual exterminator, in an actual
extermination van coming over to exterminate
an infestation of bugs somewhere else
in the actual ass. (10 points)
You are about to find out your Sleep
Number, which will help you
to secure many nights of restful slumber.
Add up the numbers for each answer
you gave and use the corresponding
number to find out where you fall:
than 20 points:
you are a light sleeper and you may find yourself taken out
of your lovely dreamland by the licking of your trusty dog's
tongue once every few months, your expensive mattress, designer
sheets and sickening lack of human character should make for
many restful nights. What worries you have about your Sleep
Number should be filed in the back of your mind behind
the card reading, "Is tipping 25 percent just excessive?"
sometimes have trouble sleeping, but overall, you're just
like everybody else. Some coffee, maybe a hit of ecstasy,
and you'll be just fine. A new mattress to correspond with
your newfound Sleep Number may help, but since we like
your score better than any of the rest, we'll just go ahead
and tell you that it's just bullshit anyway, so don't even
listen to us.
are in the low range of what our science calls, "Deep
Sleepers." Given the chance, you'll sleep until noon
on the weekend because even as a child you never gave a damn
about Saturday morning cartoons. A mattress that can support
your hulking dead-tired self and which has a bit of firmness
to it would probably suit you best. Since this quiz has not
much to do with sex, we have no idea why this is, but your
category of sleeper seems to really be into sex toys. Don't
look at us. We're as surprised as you.
you, sleep is an escape, a means of getting away from the
world. You allow yourself to fall into an almost coma-like
state when you sleep, in essence telling the world to fuck
off while your subconscious feeds you a steady stream of dream-crack.
This may be because of depression, dysfunction or plain old
laziness. You snore a lot, and people hate you for it.
are gullible, a little bit psychotic and you probably wouldn't
know a good night's sleep if it stuffed you in a box spring
and cut you into bacon strips. You are the ideal Sleep Number
customer and we will be contacting you soon to sell you a
very expensive mattress. Thank you for your time.
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