Last time on Terribly Happy's Guide to Love Part One (soon to be an NBC miniseries), we learned about personality types and self-knowledge. If you don't know yourself, the thinking goes, how can you possibly know what you have to offer potential dates, mates or primates you'd like to sleep with?
At least, that's what sounded good at the time.
So now that we know who we are (for the purposes of this lesson, we will refer to you as "You," and refer to the author of this primer as "Me," or "Muthafuckin' Playa-'G' Money Bone"), it's time to start looking for love.
But where does love hide? Love clearly isn't just walking around. If it was, everybody would have it, or at least know how to get it, like a Swiffer. Rather, love is a kind of exotic secret agent. You might be losing all your money in a casino, and in walks Love, looking all suave in its dapper suit, ready to take you on a wild adventure. Love might be on assignment in Nepal where you cross paths while hiking. Love might be the lady at the laundromat who will fold your clothes for $2 a load. You may not think much of her, but when she's done folding your clothes, she might press you for a date.
What do these instances of finding love have in common? Absolutely nothing. Which is the first true lesson you will learn while looking for love: It is random. It makes no sense. It might pass you by when you want it most. The minute you stop looking for it, you still won't find it, contrary to popular belief. That's because by now you've convinced yourself that the way to find love is to stop looking for it, except that you're in a backhanded way still trying, and Love sees right through that kind of crap.
Before we go into your hunt, let's look at your odds. They're not good.
Start with five billion people on the planet. 2.5 billion are either the wrong sex or the right sex, but not of your sexual orientation. 2 billion of that are way out of your age range. So that leaves 500 million. Sounds like a lot, right? Well 450 million of those aren't even on your continent. And trust me, you can't afford to fly there. 50 million are left. 35 million of those you won't find attractive. Of the 15 million left, 10 million won't find you attractive. Of the five million remaining, 3.5 million are in a serious relationship, are married or are in jail and want nothing to do with you. (Although if you're really desperate we can look at intra-prison dating. More on that later.) The 1.5 million potentials that are left include 500,000 people who have awful, horrible emotional problems and, probably, bad breath. 200,000 of the million people left can't stand your music and will stop seeing you as soon as they know you listen to it. 300,000 have been hurt so many times, they'd rather have skewers inserted into their eyelids than give you their phone number. 400,000 already made plans this weekend. 99,994 like you as a friend.
That leaves six datable people in the world for you. Take a gander at this handy Excel chart we've created to explain:
And, if you're gay or picky, the odds are even slimmer:
One in ten people is gay, so that makes the chances of meeting a same-sex partner even more difficult.
So why even try? What's the point? How can you possibly find love? Those six people are probably butt ugly anyway, right?
Well, fear not. It's really not that bad. Love is unlikely, yet not impossible. And with love you get:
Who doesn't want all that? Cranks, that's who. But you're not one of them. You want love, right? Read on.
"God, look at that landscape. It's beautiful. Huh. Too bad we have to vaporize it."