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06/12/01 (continued)
Where might I find it? Can a brother get a map?...

Those that say that love is all around us clearly have had some sort of brain surgery involving a drill.

Real love involves going way up in the mountains on some sort of quest where a dragon is slain and some chain mail armor is worn. But these days, there are few chain mail armor shops in the mall and dragons are even more difficult to locate.

So, the singles of the 21st century have other options depending on their personality.


If you are an asshole...

If you determined that you are an asshole using Terribly Happy's Asshole Factor Personality Quiz, then you probably already hang out in many of the ideal places where you may find your mate.

Assholes typically enjoy being in loud places where their abrasive and rude comments are either drowned out by noise or appreciated in inebriated company. Bars, nightclubs, rehearsal spaces for loud bands, crack houses, public swimming pools and gyms are veritable breeding grounds for both male and female Asshole Personality Types (APTs.)

APTs, in various states of undress, often meet in these places, where music is usually blaring, for the purposes of having sex. Sweat, alcohol and obnoxious comments about current celebrity scandals are like the sweet cooing sounds of naked monkey love to APTs.

If you are an Asshole, chances are you already frequent these places and it's only a matter of time before you find someone whose personality is just as disgustingly awful as yours. Assholes are drawn together like drunken moths to a flame encased in a beer bottle, usually while standing in front of others and yelling loudly at rock concerts.

APTs who still have trouble finding loves would do well to lower their standards and learn to compromise on some prerequisites they would ordinarily have for a prospective mate. These would include such nonessentials as: Teeth, all four limbs or five inches of consecutive areas of skin unmarked by tattoos.

APTs: Your love is out there, probably chain smoking and downing shots of Jack Daniel's right now. Now go get 'em!


For the wuss

Wusses, as determined by the Terribly Happy Wuss Quiz, do not find love quite as easily as Apts. Wusses are not as likely to be found outside of their own parents' home and typically wish to socialize with the same social group from puberty until death from old age.

But a few places have proven to be havens for Wuss Personality Types (WPTs) where they have sometimes found an odd brand of clumsy, ugly love.

Comic book stores, Renaissance Fairs, Star Trek: Voyager chat rooms, Doctor Who conventions, obscure farm-based raves and band class are just a few places where WPTs have been known to meet, greet and on occasion, exchange meat.

The key to finding a mate for the WPT is determining whether they want to go with their comfort level and date within the highly intelligent, yet stultifyingly boring WPT dating pool. It happens in rare instances that WPTs will venture outside of their world to frequent gyms, nightclubs and other places where typically more desirable APTs are known to dwell. The hijinx which ensue in such cases have built a nice nest egg for director John Hughes, and are fodder for teen comedies to this day.

WPTs would do well, however, to cater to their own strengths: Displaying a propensity for rolling successful savings throws with their 20-sided dice, for instance, or building a kite or writing a poem to impress a possible love interest.


For both Wusses and Assholes

Dating services: Dating services are places that take a lot of your money to match you up with people who most often lied when they checked "Human" to the box that asked, "Species?" Most often, those who use dating services are new to a city, don't have time to date because of work committments or just don't give a fuck anymore. Dating services are comically bad at finding ideal mates for even the least discriminating single person, and the few desirable people who join dating services for whatever reason become so besieged with requests for a date from other members of the dating service that your miserable little request for a date goes unanswered, withering your already fragile ego. I mean, that's what we've heard, at least.

The setup: The best and most likely way of meeting someone is through a friend, relative or social group. While this sometime results in blind dates that reach catastrophic levels or disaster normally associated with earthquakes in third-world countries, the simple truth is that your friends and relatives probably know enough about you to at least reach striking distance of what you may be looking for. Unless, of course, your friends and relatives are Assholes and enjoy a good joke.

Work/school: Sometimes the ideal mate is someone you spend lots of time with, whether it's at work or at school. It seems like the ideal relationship: You're already stuck together for upwards of eight hours a day. Why not spice things up with a nice slice of sexual intercourse now and then? Warning: This only works for truly suave, professional love seekers. And if you're reading this, chances are that you are not one of them. You'll find out in future Guides to Love why this is a bad row to hoe.



So there you have it. The starting points of where to begin looking. Of course, you'll find other places might yield glandular gold: Coffee shops, dentist waiting rooms, weddings. There are many places where love can be found if you're really looking and with some mack daddy (or mommy) ingenuity.

But, honestly, it's a lot of work, and you're probably not quite ready to put in the legwork.

Dont' worry, we understand. We're lazy too.

Remember: If all else fails, there's always saving up your money for a mail order bride/groom.

Next time: Types of relationships. (Or: "What the Fuck Did I Just Get Myself Into?")



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