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Determining your personality type (Page Two)...

Sociologists, whose job it is to sit around and think of ways to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in grant money to determine whether we're eating more cheese this year, have worked in collaboration with behavioral scientists (who spend millions of dollars in grant money to determine if we've been naughty this year) and one entomologist who just happened to be in the room that day, to give us a very defined set of tools to determine personality type.

For a long time, the Myers-Briggs method was the most commonly accepted form of personality testing. But when it was realized that no personality types could be found to correspond to unnatural phenomenon such as "serial killer," or "Charlize Theron," the Myers-Briggs sytem was widely debunked. Myers and Briggs were killed in a violent overthrow by a group of rowdy sociologists who used sharpened #2 pencils to bubble Myers and Briggs to death.

Now, a more simplified system for classifying behavior and personality has been introduced. We now have two personality types. They are:






Chet from "Weird Science." Prototypical Asshole-Type.

Scientists have learned a great deal since determining these types. For instance, the "Asshole" personality and "Wuss" personality have a symbiotic relationship that begins in childhood through a series of "noogies" and progresses into adulthood and throughout the corporate world where managers and employees almost always fall into the neat categories of "Asshole" or "Wuss." I'll leave it to you to surmise which positions typically fall under each category.

To determine where you fall, you can take this simple test. Ask yourself the following questions Yes/No questions to come up with your "Asshole Factor."

Did I give away the ending to The Sixth Sense?

Have I ever called someone a "fuckface?"

Do I own a cell phone?

Have I ever made a dirty joke about any of the following: (one "Yes" or "No" for each):

Black folks

Gay folks

Dead babies (also known as "Dead baby folks")

The Holocaust

A custodial worker of any kind

Retards (Extra "Yes" if you actually called them "retards")

Retarded custodial workers

Gay retarded custodial workers

Dead retarded babies

Custodial workers who survived the Holocaust

Black dead retarded babies born to gay Holocaust survivors


Have I ever made fun of someone's weight?

Have I ever said the wrong person's name during sex?

Do I send a lot of unwanted jokes over e-mail?

Have I ever "pantsed" anyone?

Have I ever slept with someone Omar was dating? BE HONEST!

Have I ever said something mean behind Omar's back and then been all sad because I realized I'd never have a good, satisfying life and that I'd be an asshole forever and burn in a lake of flaming monkey vomit for all eternity and totally deserve it? WELL, HAVE I!?!!?


For each "Yes" answer give yourself one point. Add them up. Give yourself like three extra points because everyone's more of an asshole than they realize.

One or Two points: That's impossible. You damn, dirty liar. Go down to the bottom of the scale. Truly an asshole, you are.

Three to seven points: You're a bit of an asshole.

Eight to twelve points: You smell of anus.

Thirteen or more: The universe rotates on the sucking pull of your bottomless pit of assholeishness.


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Here lie a bunch of dead people. Oh, wait. My mistake. This just represents all your hopes and dreams.

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