No? What are you? Stupid?
Oh, sorry. You're just sleepy. Well, that's understandable.
But haven't you seen all the commercials? Don't you know that it's impossible to get a good night's sleep unless you know the enigmatic number that is the key to getting good sleep and being a functional human being? Instead of what you are, which is a zombified sack of tired walking around all loopy because your mattress clearly turns you into something less than human.
If you don't know your Sleep Number, there's just no hope for you.
But to get a Sleep Number, you have to go to the mall (where all good dreams begin), go to a store, and have them tell you what kind of mattress you should buy based on the sleep number.
I can already hear you losing interest. Who wants to go lie on a mattress in the mall? Who wants to put themselves through the humiliation of having people walk by, pointing and laughing.
"Ha ha! You don't sleep well! Your number's off! I'm going to sleep with your wife!"
This Sleep Number thing has the potential of ruining your life, messing with how much sex you have (nobody wants to sleep with a tired, exhausted person with bags under their eyes. Okay, no appealing person wants to sleep with a tired, exhausted person.) and screwing you up good for work.
But don't go to the mall. Seriously.
There's no reason.
Plus, when you go to the "Sleep Store" (where they have your personal Sleep Number stored in carbonite, ready to thaw out when you arrive), you may not feel very comfortable. You may fall asleep on a mattress and wake up to find your pants slightly unbuttoned. You may find out that a lot of former dentists work there.
You could find out that the entire Sleep Number thing is just one vast cover-up to sell you a time-share condo. With nice mattresses.
You could have a negative Sleep Number which requires you be shot on sight.
It's just a bad idea.
But luckily, you don't have to hit the store. In fact, Terribly Happy feels you have a right to know your Sleep Number from the privacy of your own bed. Who the Hell are they to tell you how you sleep? You can find out on the Internet, the most reliable source for true facts ever invented.
I mean, you have a mattress (we're assuming). You can probably count almost all the way up to 100. You have the ingrained human ability to sleep most nights. This is information you should have by God-given right.
Now, before we get into the Official Terribly Happy Sleep Number Quiz, let's start out by talking about what a Sleep Number is.
Sleep Number Theory is a mysterious, cloudy segment of science long abandoned by "legitimate" scientists. The truth is, people were scared. People didn't want a nation of fully-rested people mucking with their evil plans. While those in shadowy high positions of government were getting eight restful hours of sleep every night, the rest of the nation was experiencing tossing and turning, coupled with restless sex (done out of desperation because people figure it would tire them out enough to conk them out). Sometimes pillows were fluffed needlessly.
In the last year, the Sleep Number has reemerged as a respected and acknowledged branch of science. Recently a UCLA study concluded that finding out your sleep number can directly affect the amount of money you pay for a new mattress at the mall. This stunning scientific discovery has set the world of Sleep Number Theory on its well-rested head.
Be aware that once you find out your Sleep Number, your life will change drastically. Your face will stop looking quite so ugly from lack of sleep. Your ass will move from a "dragging" position to a more "upright" stance. Your breath will take on a minty sheen not usually found in mixed company. Beer commercials may be filmed that seem to mirror your carefree, party-like lifestyle.
Clearly, the Sleep Number is a powerful tool for creating positive change in your life. We at Terribly Happy only ask that you not abuse it.
Goodyear? It was a great year.