Some appetizers before the main course:

Starting in October, I'll be recapping Smallville, a show on the WB about Superman as a high schooler. Lex Luthor and Lana Lang are his buddy and object of desire. Respectively.

The show debuts Oct. 16, but you can already start checking out MightyBigTV's forum for the show, which I moderate. It's already looking pretty lively.

Also today, you can read a short piece I wrote for the newspaper about celebrity beards. Hope you like it. Now then...

 

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I don't have a crush on Nelly Furtado.

I don't. You just get that thought out of your head right now.

Seriously.

I saw her do a concert/interview on MuchMusic USA (Thanks, Canada!) and she just seemed really, really young, and she talked so fast my ears thought they were going to hyperventilate. Don't get me wrong, the girl can sing, but I'm not attracted to her at all, despite her cute Portuguesian looks. (It's Portuguesian a word? No matter...)

But there is one thing about Nelly I really like. Something I wouldn't mind getting my hands on and having my way with. Something I would love to make my own and use every day.

Her last name.

Furtado.

Isn't that a great name?

Omar Furtado.

Oprah Furtado.

George W. Furtado.

Adolf Furtado.

Okay, it doesn't work with every name, but about 90 percent of the names out there could benefit from putting "Furtado" at the end.

I think it's a fantabulous name.

I mean, I don't like her in that way, but maybe if she had a sex change, and then I had a sex change, and then we got married, I could have the last name. It would be so much easier than going through the hassle of getting mine changed legally.

I can't believe it. All this time, the perfect last name was just staring me in the face, singing her one song over and over on the radio every 12 minutes.

Furtado.

Say it with me, people.

Furtado.

Let's all be Furtados. The Mighty Furtados.

We'll be unstoppable.

We'll be unbeatable.

We might even be Portuguesian.

 

Terribly Happy Bonus!

"Know Your Nellys"

Nelly Furtado	Nelly (Just Nelly)
Album: "Whoah, Nelly!"	Album: "Country Grammar"
Hit songs : " I'm Like a Bird" and, um... That's about it..	Hit songs: "Country Grammar," "Ride Wit Me"
Jewelry: Rings, earrings, god knows what on her belly.	Jewelry: Lots of chains and bracelets. Penchant for platinum.
Beats: Funky, down low, but still poppy.	Beats: Some stolen. It's okay. I still love him.
Uncomfortably reminds me of one-hit wonder: Natalie Imbruglia	Uncomfortably reminds me of one-hit wonder: Sisqo
Funniest song title: "My Love Grows Deeper, Pt. 1"	Funniest song title: "Thicky Thick Girl"
Who your parents think they are: Madonna? Lisa Stansfield? That Mariah Carey "exhaustion" person?	Who your parents think they are: One of those Backstreet Boys? Snoopy Dogg Dogg? The valet?
Clever use of "The Jeffersons" theme song: None to speak of, but it's early in her career	Clever use of "The Jeffersons" theme song: "Batter Up"